Full Disclosure: Saying Goodbye to Social Media

Hello.

I would like to take a moment to share with you a bit about my present situation, so that you are fully informed before I take a hiatus from social media for an unknown amount of time.

The past couple of years have been very rough. It has been full of ups and downs, to be sure (with most of them very dramatic -- not many gradual inclines or declines). I guess I could say it started about the time that Koen was born -- we decided to give away almost all of our physical possessions and travel the country. From there, we decided to move to California into a position that while we thought was right for us, it was totally wrong. While we have found great and real friends here that care for us and love us (high point!), we have also seen great struggle with financial, work, relational, physical, and spiritual related things (low points). In short, every aspect of our lives has been attacked at one point while we've been in California.

In the past 2 years, I have given birth, traveled the country with two kids, moved across the country away from my family and friends, started working full time after being a stay-at-home mother for 4 years, found out my dad has cancer, lost my job (due to me going home to MI), got a new job (definitely a high! Its the job I've always wanted!), and I have struggled to keep my marriage alive. Oh, and I have also been trying to find the confident and outgoing person that I am on the outside, on the inside.

The first time I realized I was struggling with a bout of deep depression was when I had no desire to get out of my bed and be Mom to my loving children. I had no fight in me. I was embarrassed, but not enough to do anything about it. It went on for days. All I could see was the darkness surrounding me, and I only did things when I had to, which means I pretty much went to work and that was it. I knew that I had something to live for, but I had no will to live. I hated myself, and everything I did just made me hate myself more. It was like a nightmare that I couldn't wake up from.

I finally got motivated enough to seek help, and came out of the depression little by little. And things were getting better. And then I started praying and seeking God even harder, and things got great. And then my dad got diagnosed with cancer. And things came crashing down again. We went home. It was hard. We came back. I found out my boss hired someone for my position without telling anybody about her decision. I got hired for a new position (with more responsibility, pressure, and time away from home). The darkness found me yet again in a vulnerable place in life. I had stopped praying. I had stopped seeking.

Full Disclosure: That's where I'm at. Right now, in this moment. I am still on the fringes of the darkness, and it is all too real. Every day I have to push myself to get out of bed, and to actually try, not even for myself, because I find myself not worth the effort. But my kids are worth the effort. Today, I find myself at my heaviest: physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. Today, I write this to be real with you. Because life isn't perfect. Because people struggle. And I'm struggling more than I've ever struggled before. But I wanted to share it with you. Because today will be my last day on social media for a while. It tends to consume me when I am in a bout of deep depression, and it helps to feed the lies that already play in my mind. I am going to focus on getting healthy; on dealing with the demons in my life; on being the person that I want my children to look up to.

If you need to contact me, I am available through text and email. You can message Josh if you need my phone number or email address.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. I know that right now, I am at my all time low, but there is a small glimmer of hope. I will be seeking professional help and also trying to seek God.

It is the high points that are kindling a hope that I would someday (soon) like to have back: My beautiful kids, my job and new work family, my residents... I see the way God has provided and continues to provide. I pray that someday (soon) I remember what it is like to allow myself to be loved the way the Father loves me.

[I will probably post photos of the kids from time to time, for the sake of the family.]