Full Disclosure: Saying Goodbye to Social Media

Hello.

I would like to take a moment to share with you a bit about my present situation, so that you are fully informed before I take a hiatus from social media for an unknown amount of time.

The past couple of years have been very rough. It has been full of ups and downs, to be sure (with most of them very dramatic -- not many gradual inclines or declines). I guess I could say it started about the time that Koen was born -- we decided to give away almost all of our physical possessions and travel the country. From there, we decided to move to California into a position that while we thought was right for us, it was totally wrong. While we have found great and real friends here that care for us and love us (high point!), we have also seen great struggle with financial, work, relational, physical, and spiritual related things (low points). In short, every aspect of our lives has been attacked at one point while we've been in California.

In the past 2 years, I have given birth, traveled the country with two kids, moved across the country away from my family and friends, started working full time after being a stay-at-home mother for 4 years, found out my dad has cancer, lost my job (due to me going home to MI), got a new job (definitely a high! Its the job I've always wanted!), and I have struggled to keep my marriage alive. Oh, and I have also been trying to find the confident and outgoing person that I am on the outside, on the inside.

The first time I realized I was struggling with a bout of deep depression was when I had no desire to get out of my bed and be Mom to my loving children. I had no fight in me. I was embarrassed, but not enough to do anything about it. It went on for days. All I could see was the darkness surrounding me, and I only did things when I had to, which means I pretty much went to work and that was it. I knew that I had something to live for, but I had no will to live. I hated myself, and everything I did just made me hate myself more. It was like a nightmare that I couldn't wake up from.

I finally got motivated enough to seek help, and came out of the depression little by little. And things were getting better. And then I started praying and seeking God even harder, and things got great. And then my dad got diagnosed with cancer. And things came crashing down again. We went home. It was hard. We came back. I found out my boss hired someone for my position without telling anybody about her decision. I got hired for a new position (with more responsibility, pressure, and time away from home). The darkness found me yet again in a vulnerable place in life. I had stopped praying. I had stopped seeking.

Full Disclosure: That's where I'm at. Right now, in this moment. I am still on the fringes of the darkness, and it is all too real. Every day I have to push myself to get out of bed, and to actually try, not even for myself, because I find myself not worth the effort. But my kids are worth the effort. Today, I find myself at my heaviest: physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. Today, I write this to be real with you. Because life isn't perfect. Because people struggle. And I'm struggling more than I've ever struggled before. But I wanted to share it with you. Because today will be my last day on social media for a while. It tends to consume me when I am in a bout of deep depression, and it helps to feed the lies that already play in my mind. I am going to focus on getting healthy; on dealing with the demons in my life; on being the person that I want my children to look up to.

If you need to contact me, I am available through text and email. You can message Josh if you need my phone number or email address.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. I know that right now, I am at my all time low, but there is a small glimmer of hope. I will be seeking professional help and also trying to seek God.

It is the high points that are kindling a hope that I would someday (soon) like to have back: My beautiful kids, my job and new work family, my residents... I see the way God has provided and continues to provide. I pray that someday (soon) I remember what it is like to allow myself to be loved the way the Father loves me.

[I will probably post photos of the kids from time to time, for the sake of the family.]

Meet the New You: Book Review

Change is hard. It comes with trial and exhaustion, laughter and tears. Elisa Pulliam helps us with the change that us women always strive for, but sometimes need help with. In her book, "Meet the New You", she lays out a plan to help us work through all of the feeling and emotion that change usually bring. The plan, consisting of 5 phases and 21 days, walks the reader prayerfully and scripturally through each day.

This book was very helpful and very insightful. It teaches the value of loving Christ first, and loving ourselves because we are Christ's. Pulliam does a great job relating with the readers and guiding them through the difficulties change often brings.

If you are interested in more about the author, or to buy the book, click here

I received a copy of this book for free from bloggingforbooks.com

Post 21 Day Cleanse & A Healthier Lifestyle

As many of you know, I just finished a 21 day cleanse with a friend. For this first 10 days, we could only eat fruits and veggies. On day 11, we could add chicken and deep sea fish, and pseudo grains. It was probably one of the hardest things I've done, health wise... But it was a SUPER awesome experience (and I never would have been able to push through it without the support of my beautiful and amazing friend, Annie! Josh helped too).  I wanted to do the cleanse for many reasons, a few  of them being to cleanse my body of toxins that I have fed it, to lose weight, and to get a jump start on eating healthy.

The great news is that I have been able to accomplish all of those things, and I really feel much better than I did before. During the cleanse, I lost about 8 lbs, and I lost three prior to that, putting my total so far at 11 lbs down. I am super excited about this, because I have struggled for so long to really lose weight. The best part, though, is the physical changes I can see in my body.

On day 11, I also added a workout routine into the mix -- You've probably seen my hashtags about it-- the BBG (Bikini Body Guide)* workouts by Kayla Itsines. I have been taking progress photos** in the beginning of each week, and in just three short weeks, my body is so different! It really motivates me to keep going and to keep pushing myself.

Annie and I decided to do the cleanse so that we were done by Easter and could eat the delicious ham that she made for our Easter feast. And we did! It is amazing to me, however, the way my body reacts to the things I put into it now. On Saturday, the day before Easter, I decided to eat a McChicken sandwich from McDonald's. (Eating fast food just 2 days after a cleanse = bad idea). It was literally like poison to my body. Early Easter morning, around 5am, I woke up and ran to the bathroom. My body was trying to get rid of the poison any way possible. I was in so much pain, doubled over from what felt like a fire in my belly. (I would rate the pain I was feeling as similar to the pain I felt giving birth to Aurelia. Koen's labor a little worse, only because I had hip issues in labor. So, all you Mama's out there understand a little of what I was feeling while I was sitting doubled over on the toilet.)  I actually ended up passing out on the toilet.... That's nuts! My body was in such a state of shock and it was fighting so hard, that it shut down completely!

I am still recovering from that little episode I had Easter morning, and my stomach is very sensitive and cautious. I have to eat slowly and mild right now, or else it gets angry with me... I was completely surprised that my body reacted the way it did... I mean, I read that we needed to slowly add things back into our diets, but I guess I didn't really take it seriously. I definitely learned my lesson!

The great news, is that I am actually on my way to a healthier me. For the first time in a quite a while, I am seeing progress in not only my physical state, but my mental state as well. It has been really encouraging.

*Though a lot of girls dream to look nice in a bikini, I just want to feel good in my own skin!
**I would post the progress photos, but I am not really ready to do that yet, and I don't usually make a habit of showing my skin on the internet.

Green Smoothies

As many of you know, I have just recently finished a 21 day cleanse here, and while it was pretty difficult, I really enjoyed it -- I feel much better now, and it helped jump start my healthy diet. Fern Green's Green Smoothies book was a great resource for the cleanse. I enjoyed the smoothie recipes, and how easy the book made it to make them. I also enjoyed the color photos of all the ingredients -- it is a very aesthetically pleasing recipe book.

I can't say that the book made me a bigger fan of green smoothies.. I do, in fact, have to choke them down most of the time, still. But it did open my horizons to trying new and different smoothie ideas. If you enjoy green smoothies, or juices, I would recommend this book. 

I received this book for free from bloggingforbooks.com. 

Mother of 3...

Nope. I'm not pregnant. And I don't plan on getting pregnant any time soon. As much as I think I am ready to have baby #3, Josh is just not quite there yet! But, I have been blessed with an amazing opportunity, and its one that I have struggled with until just recently.

You see, there's this neighbor boy. He is 9 years old, and he was always hanging around playing with the boys who live below us, and the girl who lives next to us. He lives across the street, and would squeeze his skinny little body through the gate of our complex to come hang out with his friends (instead of going around to the walk in gate). Eventually, he started knocking on the door asking if Aurelia could play.

The thing I noticed was just how polite he was. When someone in the complex got home and had groceries, he would stop what he was playing and help them carry their stuff to their apartment. He always said please and thank you, and when one of the neighbor kids would argue with my decision about something, he would tell them that we need to respect said decision. So, as time passed, Nico started hanging around more and more. He kind of took on the role of big brother to Aurelia when older kids were around, as well as when they were playing inside. And Koen absolutely adored him.

The thing with Nico is that he just never went away. He started showing up more and more. He started coming over right after school and staying until bedtime. He was going to church with us. He was eating dinner with us. He was always. Around. So, I had a choice to make.

I had always talked about wanting our home to be a safe place for people to come. A place where they can feel at home. A welcoming place. I believe that God gave us this place, and its His to use as He pleases. It became clear to me that He wanted this to be a safe and comfortable place for Nico, but I had a selfish attitude -- I was having a difficult time with Nico always being around. Mostly, I was having a hard time changing my attitude and outlook on something that is probably way bigger than myself.

By allowing Nico to be over at our house, I am giving his mother sanctity in knowing he is safe*. I am giving Aurelia and Koen playful interaction. I am giving Nico the same thing. Josh is giving Nico a positive example of a male role model, which Nico does not have in his life. The only person I was thinking of was myself. I wanted to focus on my family, but wasn't realizing that the whole time, Nico just wanted a solid foundation to call family.

Now, I do know that I enjoy and even function better sometimes with a wind down period. I have just learned to mentally reschedule when that time is, and rethink what it looks like. My gears needed to be shifted, and now I feel like I can see a little into what God sees -- God has big plans, and I am but a small part of it. I don't want to spend my life being selfish and living for me. I want my door to be open for people to come and call this place home. I want the neighbor kids to know that God loves them, and that starts by showing them God's love in our home.

So, with that being said, I have become a mother of 3 (for now, anyway), and I am learning to love the challenges it presents, the joy and laughter it brings, and the ways in which I am able to share God's love in every moment with not 2, but 3 amazing kids.

*Please note that Nico has a mother who loves him dearly, but does not have a father figure in the picture. He also lives with his 18 year old brother who does not treat him well, and his 12 year old sister. Most days, his mom is working, or trying to keep up with a household as a single mother. They don't own a car, and she has been having some health issues, which she is also trying to get taken care of. Knowing that Nico has a place to go that isn't always at home with his brother eases her mind. We talk often, and she is a really nice lady.

Today, we went to the park, because according to the weather, we are supposed to have rain for the next five days (I'll believe it when I see it).

My beautiful kids. I dont know why they looked so unhappy. They were having a blast. 

I don't want my selfish desires and/or ambitions to get in the way of the opportunities God has for me. I wanted my home to be a sanctuary for others, but when it came down to it actually being that, I was challenged. I wrestled, and finally gave in to what God was calling me to do. It is amazing what it is like to let God lead, and I see it time and time again. When He is in control, lives are changed, and God is glorified.

When God is calling you to something, don't look away. Instead, even if it is challenging, accept the calling. He is there with you through it all, and You will be resting in His peace. Let's learn to love one another before we love ourselves, because only by loving other will we truly begin to love us.

Above all, keep fervent in your love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins. Be hospitable to one another without complaint. As each one has received a special gift, employ it in serving one another as good stewards of the manifold grace of God.…

1 Peter 4:8-10

Instant Happiness?

I'll admit, when I got this new journal to review, I didn't completely agree with it from the time I clicked "review this book". I mean, something called the "Instant Happy Journal" sounded to me like a quick fix to trying to find the true joy in life. While I believe that the key to true joy and happiness is knowing Christ, I think that this book would suffice as a fine aid in daily reminding the reader to be inspired and to always be thankful.

This journal is a 365 day journal that encourages inspiration, gratitude, and joy. Some pages prompt you to write about something going on in your day, whether it be something that made you laugh, made you cry, or made you yell. Other pages quote an encouraging saying or a philosophical thought on the top. Still others have information from research studies about happiness. It is very colorful, and every page has space to write.

I decided to review this book because I enjoy positive quotes and I also enjoy journaling. For my personal use, I found that this journal did not have enough space to write, and I am also more motivated by Scripture, not science. So, while I enjoyed some of the things that each page said, others I found to be irrelevant or un-motivational.

I think that while I find this journal to be bright and fun, I wouldn't buy it for myself, or for my friends, because I want them to first find happiness in Christ.

I received this book from Blogging for Books for free, to review.

For more information or to check out the book for yourself, click here.

The Importance of Community

The last 24 hours have been a whirlwind of emotion -  our family has experienced joy, sadness, frustration, and even some fear.  But most of all,  we've experienced an un- ending shower of love.

Anyone who has worked in ministry, served in a ministry,  or started a ministry understands that it can be a glorious and difficult experience.  You have people with lots of ideas and good intentions coming together for the greater good.  When our own agendas get in the way,  and we forget to continually and in every moment ask for God's guidance,  things can get a bit hairy.

Sometimes,  the focus gets shifted onto what ourselves and the world can bring to the table instead of what God tells us to bring.  As humans,  it is our natural instinct. But with continual prayer and with the word of God in us,  his will is done.

Last week was Josh's last week as worship leader at the Edge. We have pretty strong convictions,  and many things that were happening at the church,  we felt,  were not appropriate. We did a lot of praying and self reflection,  and decided that we had to bring these concerns up to the senior pastor.  After many weeks of talking and discussing things with him,  we (the pastor and ourselves) decided that we would be done the first week of February. This week,  after some exchanged feelings,  the pastor decided to let us go.  This happened suddenly, yesterday afternoon.

To be honest,  it left me feeling hurt and a little frustrated (mostly with the way things were dealt with. .. I like to finish what I start,  and just have closure). Our phones were disconnected, and the pastor angrily approached my husband about everything in an intersection in their vehicles. But I know that God is good,  and that even though I felt like we were just pushed out of a life boat into the middle of the ocean with no paddle, My God is a faithful God, and He would provide.

And boy, did He ever.

Yesterday, we were essentially cut off from our church.  BUT:

Yesterday,  I got a full time job that pays more and I will be doing what I love.

 Yesterday,  friends rallied around us to show us love in a time of hurt and confusion... one family let the kids and I stay with them while Josh moved our stiff from the church.  They made us dinner and gave us some storage space.  They added a phone line to their plan so that we had a way to contact people (and gave us a phone to use).

Yesterday,  we were approved for low cost Internet at our home and got everything set up for it.

Yesterday,  some friends heard some news about us being done,  and hadn't heard from us all day, so they stopped by to check on us.

I have been completely overwhelmed by the love from our friends that we have made since being here.  Even today,  sine other friends stopped  by to bring us ice cream and chat.

Then I realized - community.  Its been the word we've used from the beginning. This is what life is about.  Coming together to live each other and help each other and just do.  Life. Together.  I feel so alive,  not because of the size of my house or the things that I own,  or the money I make.  Its because my friends,  the people that I surround myself with,  they love me. They build me up in Christ. We laugh,  we cry,  we talk about God. We do life together.

The pastor apologized for his reaction, and things were left in ok standings. My prayer is that time will heal the wounds that have been made, in all parties involved.  I know that he is still working,  and he is in complete control.  I know that none of us are perfect,  and we all make mistakes.  I know that we maybe didn't always approach issues with grace or tact. But I know that God is working in all of our lives,  and he uses all things for our good.

My God is an awesome God. He has extended grace and mercy to us in a time when we need it most.  He has provided in every way possible,  and He has shown us over and over again what it means to love through the means of our families, and our friends who have become like family.


No greater love has man than this,  to lay down his life for his friends.  John 15:13

#RedSandProject

Recently I was a guest blogger for the averageadvocate.com. I wrote about the #RedSandProject -- what it is, why I took part, and whether or not you should. As I've never been a guest blogger on a blog before, and because I think that the Average Advocate is a great blog, I think you should check it out!