The stuff inside my mind seems to take control of my heart. Its not enough to try and get rid of it once, because it just comes back again and again. A broken record going off in my head, or something like that. The fact that its there proves that so much seems to be going on, and a grain of salt isn't enough to tackle it. These ideas, they roll around, over and over, and consume me at times, unforgiving of their ability to control and discourage.
This may come from a lack of sleep and a very busy yesterday, but its been needing a release. Trying to learn from each adventure, or experience, or whatever I decide to call them, is what my goal is, yet for each step forward I take three steps back, leaving me dancing with these thoughts and fumbling around. This blog kind of shows my train of thought - not that organized, struggling to put thoughts down on the paper.
The accident was taxing enough, both mentally and physically. I wasn't prepared for the mental part, though. It kind of came out of nowhere... I wasn't ready to feel the panic rise up in my chest every time I see another car coming up to a stop sign, or subconsciously grip the steering wheel until my knuckles turn white every time I'm driving down a road with deep ditches. Even the sight of a gray SUV can bring back the memory. By the time I've made it to my destination, I am mentally drained.
Josh and I together found a new route to school. It's about ten minutes longer, but it doesn't require as much energy, and the attacks of panic and confusion have no room to strike.
These are the things that still occur, but I know that God is bigger than these thoughts, and is maybe trying to use them to help teach me and mold me into the person He knows me to be. I have enjoyed being at school, meeting new people, and seeing the people in my life really support me and show love to me. I have gained confidence in myself since I've been taking my piano class. I really enjoy playing, and now that I am playing keys for The Following:, I can sing, which I am finding I also enjoy doing. Josh and I can practice together at home pretty easily, and I can practice while Aurelia is sleeping, which makes band practices less stressful.
This is a lot of random stuff, and its how my brain has been functioning. I think the not sleeping so well is catching up with me. There are so many decisions to make, and so many thoughts to think, and so many places to go...so much depended on the gray SUV. I want to be back in a place where I can do all those things without these underlying issues to play a part. But I know that healing takes time, and I still have miles to go before I sleep.
I know that God has plans for my life, and all things that have happened in it. I continually try to give this ALL up to Him. Its just good to get it out of my head once in a while. I really enjoyed yesterday -- being at school and making friends, and then practicing with the band. I am not trying to be negative, just real about what happens in my brain sometimes. I think that this whole experience is drawing me closer to God, which I need right now. I know that He is the ONLY one that I truly need, and He places people in my life to guide me in my walk with Him.
I think I'm done being random and confusing. I am very excited for Aurelia's nap time today. For today, it will be mom's nap time as well :)
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Monday, December 17, 2012
Every Woman's Battle
Upon receiving this book to review, I wasn't quite sure what I had gotten myself into. I had also decided, upon reading the overview, that I wouldn't get much out of it, since I had never struggled with what this book was about. Or so I thought. The title of the book, "Every Woman's Battle", is true in that the material can apply to every woman at some point in their lives, whether they are single or married. Ethridge really opens herself up and uses personal stories, as well as stories from other women, to talk about the unhealthy desires/thoughts/actions that women face every day.
The book breaks these down into four unique categories/components of feminine sexuality as well as talks about common myths that women and the world believe. It then gives you the necessary tools to help fight the specific battle you may be fighting.
I enjoyed this book more than I thought I would -- it helped me understand myself more, as well as made me realize that I am not alone, and that we, as women, shouldn't be ashamed to admit things we might be keeping secret. I would recommend this book for any woman who wants to open herself up to the truth about the woman's sexual battle.
Saturday, December 15, 2012
A Great Fiction Read
While I was picking a book from booksneeze.com to review, I decided to go with fiction for a change. When I saw that William Sirls had based his debut book "The Reasoning" out of Michigan, I was interested. The is based around a wooden cross that has been demolished by lightning. As the story unfolds, you are introduced to many characters who are searching for something more in their lives. All characters' stories end up connecting in a plot that kept me turning the pages.
"The Reason" is really a well-written novel that kept my interest throughout the book. Sirls connects with his readers in many ways, and also gives us a great reminder to 'only believe'. The characters' struggles are easy to identify with, and the reader is constantly reminded of God's love for us as well as His great strength.
I would recommend this book to people who like a good read, and have time to drop everything and read, because that is what they will want to do once they start this book!
I received a free copy of "The Reason" from booksneeze.com.
"The Reason" is really a well-written novel that kept my interest throughout the book. Sirls connects with his readers in many ways, and also gives us a great reminder to 'only believe'. The characters' struggles are easy to identify with, and the reader is constantly reminded of God's love for us as well as His great strength.
I would recommend this book to people who like a good read, and have time to drop everything and read, because that is what they will want to do once they start this book!
I received a free copy of "The Reason" from booksneeze.com.
Monday, November 26, 2012
Mission Possible!
As we continue to listen to God and follow His lead, we have been researching different missionary organizations. There are a LOT of them out there! Here's a bit of background information:
When Josh and I first got married, we felt like we might like to do missions, but we weren't quite ready. After three and a half years of many trials, tribulations, and celebrations, we feel like God is finally telling us its time to look into the mission field once again. So, that's what we have been doing.
As we've realized in life, sometimes God leads us in a certain direction so we can see another opportunity that we wouldn't have seen on a different path. For instance, we felt God was leading us toward moving to Bay City, so we started to pursue that route -- we looked for jobs and places to live. As we moved out of the camper and into our friends' house, we continued our search in Bay City. But as we got more settled into our friends' place, God used different things in our life to get us thinking about missions again; mainly close friends and family.
And so, with much prayer and fasting and thought, we have decided to pursue the mission field. This could mean many different things -- overseas missions, missions within the country, or even within the state. Wherever God leads us is where we want to go. We know that there are needs everywhere in the world, and God calls us to go and make disciples of all men. (Matthew 6:18-20, The Great Commission). We will simply follow His lead, and go where He leads us!
I write all this to update you on our progress. We have sent emails to many different missions organizations, and tonight, we are skyping with one of them. We are excited to start looking further into the organizations to see which one fits with us and our abilities! Please keep us in your prayers, as this is a very big decision :) Also, continue to pray for missionaries here and around the world, as the Bible calls us to keep them in our prayers always.
God Bless
When Josh and I first got married, we felt like we might like to do missions, but we weren't quite ready. After three and a half years of many trials, tribulations, and celebrations, we feel like God is finally telling us its time to look into the mission field once again. So, that's what we have been doing.
As we've realized in life, sometimes God leads us in a certain direction so we can see another opportunity that we wouldn't have seen on a different path. For instance, we felt God was leading us toward moving to Bay City, so we started to pursue that route -- we looked for jobs and places to live. As we moved out of the camper and into our friends' house, we continued our search in Bay City. But as we got more settled into our friends' place, God used different things in our life to get us thinking about missions again; mainly close friends and family.
And so, with much prayer and fasting and thought, we have decided to pursue the mission field. This could mean many different things -- overseas missions, missions within the country, or even within the state. Wherever God leads us is where we want to go. We know that there are needs everywhere in the world, and God calls us to go and make disciples of all men. (Matthew 6:18-20, The Great Commission). We will simply follow His lead, and go where He leads us!
I write all this to update you on our progress. We have sent emails to many different missions organizations, and tonight, we are skyping with one of them. We are excited to start looking further into the organizations to see which one fits with us and our abilities! Please keep us in your prayers, as this is a very big decision :) Also, continue to pray for missionaries here and around the world, as the Bible calls us to keep them in our prayers always.
God Bless
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Life Expectancy (A poem)
Life expectancy
cannot be
long enough to change it all
We have to try
we're called t live,
not watch the world go by
Instead of watching people die
we're called to show them they can live
Live for Christ, who calls us children
and calls us to love the broken.
Love the orphans, be outspoken
about His light, about what's right
until all people hear.
Hear the truth, and know the Father.
we won't give in to fear.
Keep fighting, and don't give in
keep looking up instead of looking in
or looking down
they need to know who wears the crown.
The crown of glory, righteousness, love
Christ the King
Be disciples of Him, who is above.
cannot be
long enough to change it all
We have to try
we're called t live,
not watch the world go by
Instead of watching people die
we're called to show them they can live
Live for Christ, who calls us children
and calls us to love the broken.
Love the orphans, be outspoken
about His light, about what's right
until all people hear.
Hear the truth, and know the Father.
we won't give in to fear.
Keep fighting, and don't give in
keep looking up instead of looking in
or looking down
they need to know who wears the crown.
The crown of glory, righteousness, love
Christ the King
Be disciples of Him, who is above.
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
A Leap of Faith (Or, Where Are We Going From Here?)
In May of 2012, Josh and I decided to take what we thought was a big leap of faith and move into a camper at Wesleyan Woods for the summer. We had no idea what was coming next, or that moving into a camper was just the step to take before jumping off the cliff.
We lived in a camper. A lot of people thought we were crazy, and didn't agree with our choice, even though they told us they did. Many people said it was an awesome adventure. Many people didn't understand that we literally meant a camper, and didn't think about it too much. We learned many things about living with each other, raising a daughter, and how to strengthen a marriage.
We learned patience. We learned how to deal with disagreements and arguments (After all, things HAD to be worked out -- there was nowhere to go in the camper to get away from one another!) We learned how to do with less (but never not enough). God moved, because we obeyed.
We came to October and we didn't feel settled about moving into the house at the front of the camp. That was the most logical, safe idea. We prayed, and we talked. In the end, God said GO.
How could we not listen? God was telling us to jump off the cliff. This was the jump that we had been preparing for. We still didn't have much, but we knew that God would provide for our family. And so we jumped. It was a bit of free-falling for a while; We were obeying God and 'going', but we didn't know what that meant. We were out of a job, which meant no income, and we were out of a home on October 28th. (We had a month.)
And then I remembered that I had a parachute.
You see, God is moving, all the time, all around us. And He wants us to move with Him. All we have to say is "Here I am, send me." We said that, and it has been awesome to sit back and completely trust that God will provide. On October 25th, three days before we had to be out from the camper, we moved in with a family who was also listening to God. They welcomed us into their home, knowing that there would be change, but trusting that God would provide. (Awesome!!!)
I will admit it has been hard. I have had days when I stop trusting, and I try to control what is going on. And it never works. I get stressed, depressed, and cranky (just ask Josh!!) When I try to control things, my desires trump God's. When I let go and let God have control, cool things happen. And He provides.
So here we are today, with people asking us what's next, and our answer is, "We don't know". We are waiting on God, and that is hard to understand. Not only for others, but for us as well. As Christians, or non-christians, we want answers. We want a clear outline of where our life is going or where we will end up. God doesn't work like that. Because then, we wouldn't have to trust Him. And thats what life is about.
When we trust God, God works through us.
When God works through us, people get curious.
When people get curious, they ask questions.
When people ask questions, they hear the TRUTH.
When people hear the truth, they FIND the LIGHT.
When we first got married, both Josh and I thought missions might be something we would be interested in. We said that before we went overseas, we wanted to be debt free, and we wanted to have a strong, rock solid foundation in Christ. While our foundation is always being worked on and made stronger, we are now debt free. We have minimal possessions on earth, and we have nothing holding us here. I think God is finally telling us we are ready.
As we have prayerfully considered this decision, as well as talked with trusted friends/family in our lives, we feel like this might possibly be what God has been preparing us for.
We appreciate your continued prayer as we are seeking Christ in this time of transition, and will keep you updated on where He calls us next :)
We lived in a camper. A lot of people thought we were crazy, and didn't agree with our choice, even though they told us they did. Many people said it was an awesome adventure. Many people didn't understand that we literally meant a camper, and didn't think about it too much. We learned many things about living with each other, raising a daughter, and how to strengthen a marriage.
We learned patience. We learned how to deal with disagreements and arguments (After all, things HAD to be worked out -- there was nowhere to go in the camper to get away from one another!) We learned how to do with less (but never not enough). God moved, because we obeyed.
We came to October and we didn't feel settled about moving into the house at the front of the camp. That was the most logical, safe idea. We prayed, and we talked. In the end, God said GO.
How could we not listen? God was telling us to jump off the cliff. This was the jump that we had been preparing for. We still didn't have much, but we knew that God would provide for our family. And so we jumped. It was a bit of free-falling for a while; We were obeying God and 'going', but we didn't know what that meant. We were out of a job, which meant no income, and we were out of a home on October 28th. (We had a month.)
And then I remembered that I had a parachute.
You see, God is moving, all the time, all around us. And He wants us to move with Him. All we have to say is "Here I am, send me." We said that, and it has been awesome to sit back and completely trust that God will provide. On October 25th, three days before we had to be out from the camper, we moved in with a family who was also listening to God. They welcomed us into their home, knowing that there would be change, but trusting that God would provide. (Awesome!!!)
I will admit it has been hard. I have had days when I stop trusting, and I try to control what is going on. And it never works. I get stressed, depressed, and cranky (just ask Josh!!) When I try to control things, my desires trump God's. When I let go and let God have control, cool things happen. And He provides.
So here we are today, with people asking us what's next, and our answer is, "We don't know". We are waiting on God, and that is hard to understand. Not only for others, but for us as well. As Christians, or non-christians, we want answers. We want a clear outline of where our life is going or where we will end up. God doesn't work like that. Because then, we wouldn't have to trust Him. And thats what life is about.
When we trust God, God works through us.
When God works through us, people get curious.
When people get curious, they ask questions.
When people ask questions, they hear the TRUTH.
When people hear the truth, they FIND the LIGHT.
When we first got married, both Josh and I thought missions might be something we would be interested in. We said that before we went overseas, we wanted to be debt free, and we wanted to have a strong, rock solid foundation in Christ. While our foundation is always being worked on and made stronger, we are now debt free. We have minimal possessions on earth, and we have nothing holding us here. I think God is finally telling us we are ready.
As we have prayerfully considered this decision, as well as talked with trusted friends/family in our lives, we feel like this might possibly be what God has been preparing us for.
We appreciate your continued prayer as we are seeking Christ in this time of transition, and will keep you updated on where He calls us next :)
Monday, November 5, 2012
Let's Not Make This Political...
But if you aren't planning on voting, you should think about reconsidering, and look into the candidates. I'm not very political, but as a Christian, I don't want the government to continue to ordain abortion and other issues. I ask that you vote prayerfully, and in a way that doesn't only benefit yourself. I have been doing research on the candidates to learn as much as I can about them, and though neither of them really appeal to me, I have made a prayerful decision based on what God would want for this country.
Okay, thats enough about politics.
Have I told you yet that our life is crazy? The name of this blog fits perfectly for how I feel. We have no idea what God's plans are for our life, so we are just trying to take it one step at a time. While it can be a very SCARY sensation not knowing what comes next in life, it is also very freeing to know that God is the one completely in control.
Have you ever tried giving God complete control of every single aspect in your life?
You should try it sometime. I will admit that I worry sometimes: I think about earthly things... How will we eat without an income? Where will we live when our friends get sick of us and kick us out? Where will our income come from? Why can't I have what they have???
But, even when satan tries to bully me into ignoring God, I remember that He is always faithful, and He has NEVER forsaken me, and then I'm like, "Be GONE, satan, in the name of JESUS!" (And he HAS to listen... because the Bible says that even satan HAS to bow down to the Almighty!!!!!!!! It's pretty awesome).
All I know that God has provided me with an awesome family, and some amazing, Godly friends who are a constant reminder that God is never far from me.
Oh, and guess what? We have a new member of the family. She is gray and fuzzy and has green eyes. We have named her Poslea, which means "following" in Russian. She showed up at our friends' house and was just too cute for us to send away. Can't wait for her to meet her brother, Marvin :)
Thank you all for your love and support. Prayer is very much appreciated as we continue to seek God's counsel and wisdom as we wait for His instruction for the phase of life. God Bless!
Okay, thats enough about politics.
Have I told you yet that our life is crazy? The name of this blog fits perfectly for how I feel. We have no idea what God's plans are for our life, so we are just trying to take it one step at a time. While it can be a very SCARY sensation not knowing what comes next in life, it is also very freeing to know that God is the one completely in control.
Have you ever tried giving God complete control of every single aspect in your life?
You should try it sometime. I will admit that I worry sometimes: I think about earthly things... How will we eat without an income? Where will we live when our friends get sick of us and kick us out? Where will our income come from? Why can't I have what they have???
But, even when satan tries to bully me into ignoring God, I remember that He is always faithful, and He has NEVER forsaken me, and then I'm like, "Be GONE, satan, in the name of JESUS!" (And he HAS to listen... because the Bible says that even satan HAS to bow down to the Almighty!!!!!!!! It's pretty awesome).
All I know that God has provided me with an awesome family, and some amazing, Godly friends who are a constant reminder that God is never far from me.
Oh, and guess what? We have a new member of the family. She is gray and fuzzy and has green eyes. We have named her Poslea, which means "following" in Russian. She showed up at our friends' house and was just too cute for us to send away. Can't wait for her to meet her brother, Marvin :)
Thank you all for your love and support. Prayer is very much appreciated as we continue to seek God's counsel and wisdom as we wait for His instruction for the phase of life. God Bless!
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